One of THOSE days...

The title may have spoken for itself –– it’s one of those days again.

It’s supposed to be the same old usual day… I set my cellphone to alarm at six in the morning and then bam! I bragged my ass off the bed a little after eight this morning with this heavy feeling again.

Could it be because it’s the start of a new month? Nah! Coincidence if I may call it.

Over breakfast with my colleagues and housemates, we sort of shared stories out of college days and so forth. We can feel that the sun seemed to be angry at us because its rays seemed to have sneaked through the windows hitting us hard on our napes or faces. Summer is definitely just around the corner. Heat is felt through the walls.

I hate it! Not my work… it’s more lighter now than the past few days. But what is it that I feel that hatred for? Try to blame it on the heat and beating it by taking a long cold bath but coming out of the shower, that feeling is still bugging me.

Damn! I can’t even pinpoint what that fucking feeling is!!!

’Tang ina!

Now the day is almost over. God might have felt that the heat is passing through my head that He gave a little rain awhile ago. Air seemed a little cooler but the earth released a somewhat foul smell –– that weird smell of dry land. Hard to describe. But it’s smelled worst… made me feel more remorse. Gees! Lord, forgive me if I didn’t practice what You might have expected of me today as being the Ash Wednesday. God knows I believe in Him but not fully of what Catholism is. I now question some of its practices (that would be for another story).

Going back. So God showered us with a little rain, awhile ago. I was thinking if He is helping me “cool” down a bit of emphasizing more of how I feel – that I wanted to cry.

Cry, my child. Let it all out… Could God be telling me to do that right now? Duh?! Cry it all out? I would look even more stupid doing that!!! This creature crying… out of what? See my point?!?

So what am I fucking suppose to do?


I remembered some events on my college days. Happy and terrible ones. Recalling it might have triggered this feeling. Loiving my days with such memories made me see and understand more what had happened. What they were then and what they may serve now. Some are clearer now than before, seeing it in a different perspective than before being within the situation. How time have passed. Still some questions were never answered until now. I thought I have moved on but it seemed to have come back again?

Oh, God, please? Not again…

One thing could have helped perhaos. But if then it’s was hard to ask, it’s even harder now. How the fuck am I to ask for a closure?!? They might not even be a thing to close!

It’s hard to argue with yourself. And even thinking that I am talking to myself what more even arguing… I feel stupid! God! Please, let not this be a sign that I am in a verge of crossing the line of insanity…

Oh, what the…. Shit!

Let me live a life of my own…
A life far… no, very far from them…
Away… far, far away from them, with no relation my past.
A life of new and fresh beginning.
To which I can do far better than before.
A more sensible, useful and creative one.
Where my body is well and my mind is free.
One that I can claim my own… my very own!

Please…

Let me go.

Let me be…