Measuring Beauty

Today was a full-day meeting outside of our office. We came back in our lair earlier than usual. All is ok but later on it wasn’t anymore.

I feel bad.

I took a nap thinking that perhaps it would ease that uneasiness, to feel somehow refreshed. But I woke up and feeling was still there. It never went away.

I still couldn’t define exactly how I felt. It’s a mixture of anger, disappointment and hatred.

I grew up with an implication that society has a norm. And being expose to such I respected and thought have accepted it. And I have proven again that norms existed and society still has not changed.

I am may not be the brightest person ever existed, nor the prettiest ever born. I am not Venus, Athena nor Nicole Kidman.

I am fat. Obese in the clinical or even politically speaking (whatever that is). I have love handles (take note of the “s”). I don’t have mestiza blood not have the softest, flawless skin ever. I don’t have the right to wear 2-piece bathing suits or backless, cleavage exposed gowns. But I am comfortable with the way I am.

I have skills. I have brains. I carry myself well… because I know where to put myself.

Beauty is not in the beholder’s eyes but it has long been imposed by some influencial creatures way back in the Philippine history… this is what I strongly believe by experience. Thanks to society itself.

Beauty is measured by the physical feature one endures. It’s always the packaging that matters –– what is initially seen outside the “box”. I, for one, should have understand this. I am a branding consultant. Right now, in my team I am designated with the “physical” look of any of our accounts. I wanted our clients to exclaim and hear “Wow!” from them the moment they see the “box” I made for their product. But now here I am ranting and pouring all my emotions. Don’t get me wrong. Of all the jobs I’ve been, from where I am now is the most fulfilling of all. Mark my word for it. I may not be as financially rich as other people of my age now but I can proudly say my work now makes me feel more relevant. It may be hard to explain but who the hell cares?

It insults me when I get to hear ladies being turned down because of physical look! That men, may it be those jerky ones, partner, friend, project managers or clients prefer those pretty, dumb blonds over skillful, talented ugly ducklings.

I should, of all may it be ladies like me or men known better because I am a branding consultant. It’s all about my work, nothing personal.

But business is personal.

Do I make any sense here? It just hit me again. The truth that society has its “standards” of beauty, may it be in whatever use… beauty did killed the beast, not the brain.

Sex sells.

I am affected. And it hurts a lot. I may not be the direct hit over this event that occurred a few hours ago. My job, my life… and the fact that I epitomize those that can not wear that 2-piece because we are not sexy by standard.

I just have to deal with it.

This is it!!!

Wow! Thank God that Tito (my friend’s dad) has to sleep in the living room because they’re leaving for the province early tomorrow. If not for him, I won’t have the chance to write this…

Shet!

This topic has been delayed for almost a week already. All I wanted to share is…

I’ve got my new baby!!!


This is how it looks like when it's brand new

YES!!! Since I have been missing my Precious and she seemed to be missing me too (I imagined it to be that way though), I’ve got to ease the pain of losing my baby. But now that I have a replacement (hard to take or rude of me to use the term, but that’s how it goes these days)… I’ve got to move on.

And I did. I really didn’t thoroughly abandoned my Precious. She’s in the cares of my friend’s cousin. But I feel sad that she seemed to be uneasy (or rejecting) her new mommy. Once, a DVD was stuck inside her and it took me hours to figure out to remove it (before midnight striked, she just ejected the DVD. I was furious of course, because it felt that the new owners… nevermind. But what can I do, she isn’t mine anymore… not in my protective cuddle. And the latest event, the hinge broke!!! Yup! And no one from my Precious new owner admitted the crime ☹

But I have to move on…

And I did… with my every cent (my ATM is way below my required maintaining balance), support (partial sponsorship) from my Tatay, my cousin and my dear boss-friend, I was able to get a second-hand. It may not be those so-much-high-powered and super-high SDRamm but it’s a 12-inch Powerbook G4 with a little improvement from my Precious previous specs. So, handy and weigh much lighter than my Precious. And I’m writing my first blog on her now…

People, meet Taynee*…


Sorry about the photo, just used a camphone

*Taynee , it’s spelled like that because it’s an “expanded” version of the first name I thought of for my new baby, ”Tiny”.

My new baby is way much smaller, lighter and slight powerful that my Precious. And the name quite represents a younger persona… being “little” and a term of “affection”… young sister or daughter ;)

Gearing up for future projects ;) This is it (just) for now. My batt’s juice is about to be drained…

More to come Ü

It NEVER lies!!!

All of you should take note of this...

fanged beauty* -- [noun]: An immortal 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

And that, folks is who I am!!!

*fanged beauty perfectly matched my identity by definition, aside from being used as a substitute for my real name

Can the stars be right this time?

Perhaps it has become a habit of mine to check my "destiny" as the stars dictates it could be. My friend refered me to this site: www.astrologyzone.com and guess what "stunning" quotes pulled out from my zodiac.

"Mercury will be in retrograde position in your fifth house of true love from March 2 to 25, so you may see someone you used to date and might even decide to rekindle things all over again. Only time will tell, but one thing you can be certain of - you can get some sort of closure."

I have read this "someone" since October last year. Predicted days and all, but this one is quite longer that the previous ones. There is still someone from my past that I "wished" to see and talked to. Although I tried psyching myself that he's gone and hopefully even a "closure" for me to finally get my peace that I defintely deserve. But here it goes again... haunting me...

Damn it!

What a f*cking timing...

"... was a certain comfort level in seeing someone who knew you "way back when." It certainly makes you think!"

Undeniably, it did get my attention.

I miss my Precious... my mobile phone seemed to be dying on me too... financial crisis... then this... emotional stability... gees! What's next? Hail on my tropical island?

I complain... I'm a bitch. I should be enduring all these. Sure.

And the cherry over the whipped cream on my ice cream...

... It's a month that has all sorts of twists and turns, so be open to what the universe has in store for you. With Jupiter in your sign this year, you're the celestial favorite. Should anything happen to cause you grief, this time you can turn the tables in your favor. It's a great time to be a Scorpio - never forget that!

Yeah.. I should never forget that... I am the "force" above's apple of the eye.

Cosmic force + bitch (me) = ?

You tell me...

Oh... good luck to each and everyone who crosses to a bitchy Scorpions path.

Missing

Yes, I know.

It’s just been three (3) days since I;ve parted with my Precious. Though it’s been almost a week that I know for a fact that I’ll be letting it go… well, it’s more than that actually. It’s been years of denial that one day I have it go.

Yes, it’s an “it”… my Precious is my very first Powerbook. A hard-earned investment almost half a decade ago. It was one of new releases back then, the Titanium version. Nowadays, models of Powerbook are made with aluminum casings, much lighter, much powerful and much cheaper than my Precious. Well, cheaper in the sense that with the same amount that I bought my Precious in the US, you can buy a new AlBook (as previously termed TiBook) with a higher capacity and capability.


This is the latest version of Apple's Powerbook, the MacBook. My TiBook's "descendant".

Sigh…

I am such a sentimental bitch! For as much as I try to change myself (take note: changing JUST the “sentimental” part AND will retain being a bitch!) I can’t deny that I am such a sentimental, emotional and attached person. Attached in the sense that once I have it, what more if it is earned with my very own sweat and blood, I see it as one precious belonging. Call it corny or over-reacting, I consider them as like my own kids. Yes… I take care of my “belongings” that much.

Gahd! Is this what you call separation anxiety? Damn it! Am I a geek bitch that I feel more emotionally affected by parting with Precious Tibook than having no boyfriend at all?

YES! I am a geek… a female, child-bearing capable geek bitch!

Got a problem with that?! Hmmmm?!!!!!

All because of a butterfly

Yesterday was not quite right for me. Long bath somehow helped. I turned off my Mac to restrain myself from working. Then I turned on the television…

There was American Idol… almost done…
Wild Sex of Killer Whales on National Geographic Channel… not in the mood…
Xmen:Evolution on Cartoon Network… cool…

Then I remembered one of my housemates told me tonight is the revelation night for this known Filipino actor before, Rustom Padilla in Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition. I flipped channels then there it was… just in time.

There were other scenes. But the revelation was placed on the latter part of course ––style to get the ratings up obviously.

An introduction to the “aspired” revelation: This Rustom guy is quite good-looking during his time in Philippine show business. He got to married a pretty known actress too named Carmina Villaroel. They seemed to hit it off, until rumors spread and homosexuality seemed to be starting to “flourish” then. Until annulment case was file for the two and years of battling, Carmina got what she wanted. Now she’s living with Zoren Legaspi, another actor and had twins from him. Two good-looking children, one girl and one boy. Ahhh… fairy tale story? Or just a combination of good sets of DNA?

So, what had happened to Rustom when Carmina now had gone back to showbiz somehow and seemd to be happy with her 2 kids? Rustom suddenly disappeared and his family, even his much controvertial actor star-womanizer brother turned to Muslim that was once linked to the daughter of an ex-president of the Philippine republic (whew! That was mouthful) All these was answered somehow in his revelation

Enough of the introduction and on with me… of course this is my blog. That revelation of Rustom was just merely a confirmation on my part. I have been surrounded by gay people of “all shapes and sizes” ––quoting him. Seeing him years back, after the alleged annulment, I knew way back then he’s gay. But as a human and a fag hag I share my sentiments to Rustom. His hardships and being in closet from the public eye he used to be comfortable with was now revealed. His 30+ years of hiding is opened up in just less than 30 minutes. And all revelations started when a mariposa, a huge local specie of the Philippine butterfly, landed on Rustom's legs.

Good for him. But it just didn’t stop there… it’s a start. Just the start.

But what made my day was Keana Reeves, one of Rustom’s housemates in the show. She one the one Rustom is talking to and was said to be close to him. In the middle of the revelation, where Rustom is teary-eyed and assuming the tele-viewers also, Keana excused herself telling Rustom that she needs to pee.

Gahd!!! That’s a scene stealer!!!

I was crying not because of Rustom (although I have sentiments for him also) but I was crying out of laughing because of Keana Reeves. Gees!

I am starting to love that lady because she is real. Of all the people in that house, she might have the irritating Bisayan accent or the most tactless of them all but she is the REAL person in that house.

Gurl, because of that, I might be watching that show just to be entertained by reality (of someone else’s life). But definitely, Keana, if she isn’t to be the last person standing there, she will definitely be one of the housemates to be staying longer in Big Brother’s house.

One of THOSE days...

The title may have spoken for itself –– it’s one of those days again.

It’s supposed to be the same old usual day… I set my cellphone to alarm at six in the morning and then bam! I bragged my ass off the bed a little after eight this morning with this heavy feeling again.

Could it be because it’s the start of a new month? Nah! Coincidence if I may call it.

Over breakfast with my colleagues and housemates, we sort of shared stories out of college days and so forth. We can feel that the sun seemed to be angry at us because its rays seemed to have sneaked through the windows hitting us hard on our napes or faces. Summer is definitely just around the corner. Heat is felt through the walls.

I hate it! Not my work… it’s more lighter now than the past few days. But what is it that I feel that hatred for? Try to blame it on the heat and beating it by taking a long cold bath but coming out of the shower, that feeling is still bugging me.

Damn! I can’t even pinpoint what that fucking feeling is!!!

’Tang ina!

Now the day is almost over. God might have felt that the heat is passing through my head that He gave a little rain awhile ago. Air seemed a little cooler but the earth released a somewhat foul smell –– that weird smell of dry land. Hard to describe. But it’s smelled worst… made me feel more remorse. Gees! Lord, forgive me if I didn’t practice what You might have expected of me today as being the Ash Wednesday. God knows I believe in Him but not fully of what Catholism is. I now question some of its practices (that would be for another story).

Going back. So God showered us with a little rain, awhile ago. I was thinking if He is helping me “cool” down a bit of emphasizing more of how I feel – that I wanted to cry.

Cry, my child. Let it all out… Could God be telling me to do that right now? Duh?! Cry it all out? I would look even more stupid doing that!!! This creature crying… out of what? See my point?!?

So what am I fucking suppose to do?


I remembered some events on my college days. Happy and terrible ones. Recalling it might have triggered this feeling. Loiving my days with such memories made me see and understand more what had happened. What they were then and what they may serve now. Some are clearer now than before, seeing it in a different perspective than before being within the situation. How time have passed. Still some questions were never answered until now. I thought I have moved on but it seemed to have come back again?

Oh, God, please? Not again…

One thing could have helped perhaos. But if then it’s was hard to ask, it’s even harder now. How the fuck am I to ask for a closure?!? They might not even be a thing to close!

It’s hard to argue with yourself. And even thinking that I am talking to myself what more even arguing… I feel stupid! God! Please, let not this be a sign that I am in a verge of crossing the line of insanity…

Oh, what the…. Shit!

Let me live a life of my own…
A life far… no, very far from them…
Away… far, far away from them, with no relation my past.
A life of new and fresh beginning.
To which I can do far better than before.
A more sensible, useful and creative one.
Where my body is well and my mind is free.
One that I can claim my own… my very own!

Please…

Let me go.

Let me be…