It all part of it.
Those five words up there is constantly reminded to me by my colleagues and friends. I am seen as generally extrovert and transparent. They just don't know that I am bothered also by other factors aside from work.
Work is my life. Unavoidably personal too. Work can be my facade. There are things better kept to myself, because it's way more personal. Personal that is inspirational and destructive at times.
Right now, I can not tell whether I am sad or frustrated, angry or stunned. I really don't know what it is I am feeling exactly. But I am definitely sure that I am not happy.
Emptiness seemed to engulf my system again. I am staring blankly at my notes and on my computer screen. I had my drink last night... hard drinks. I made it an excuse of me being non-functional. But it is just an excuse. I know my limit and I drink responsibly.
I am really lost of thoughts. Lost of words.
I feel bad of realizing that is quite obvious all along. Perhaps I kept on denying it from the start because I did like him. I enjoyed every moment we were together, drinking, chatting, smoking, ranting... I see myself from him and what I wanted myself to be. I thought there will be something for me from him. Akala ko... (I thought)
And indeed, all "akala" are wrong.
I am wrong again.
I feel bad of learning I am wrong.
I such a fool that I denied it from the start that it's all "akala".
I hate myself of having the same mistakes again and again.... and still... again.
I feel stupid... really... really... stupid.
If I told it straight to his face that I do like him, will I be strong enough or at least poised enough to accept his WORST reply?
Problem is I don't have the guts to say it.
I am bubbly. I am strong. That's how many sees it. But inside I cry and crumble... a lot.
Another crack in my fortress that I am building.
