Got Something New And Yet I'm STILL Blue

OK–– is such an overrated word.

Things are not quite great lately. Nothing seemed to be working on my own favor. I decided to turn thing around and went to satisfying myself materially...

SHOPPING!

Bought a new phone...

I wanted the RED one but it's overly expensive. It's NEW, syncs perfectly (finally, after configuring it for HOURS) and still I'm not yet that satisfied...

I know what's wrong... and I am denying it.

Deny...
DENY...
L-I-E!

It's getting worse...

F*ck!

Of Good Fortune?

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Hmmm... and I wish this WILL BE true...

Getting It Out of My System

I missed a lot of "good" things to blog. Most of the time I am unknowingly "inspired" with that stupid smile locked up on my face. I go out after work quite often lately with a few new people, a new group perhaps. My time is occupied with work that I am truly enjoying. I won't deny that I have episodes of rage and almost-breakdowns.

It all part of it.


Those five words up there is constantly reminded to me by my colleagues and friends. I am seen as generally extrovert and transparent. They just don't know that I am bothered also by other factors aside from work.

Work is my life. Unavoidably personal too. Work can be my facade. There are things better kept to myself, because it's way more personal. Personal that is inspirational and destructive at times.

Right now, I can not tell whether I am sad or frustrated, angry or stunned. I really don't know what it is I am feeling exactly. But I am definitely sure that I am not happy.

Emptiness seemed to engulf my system again. I am staring blankly at my notes and on my computer screen. I had my drink last night... hard drinks. I made it an excuse of me being non-functional. But it is just an excuse. I know my limit and I drink responsibly.

I am really lost of thoughts. Lost of words.

I feel bad of realizing that is quite obvious all along. Perhaps I kept on denying it from the start because I did like him. I enjoyed every moment we were together, drinking, chatting, smoking, ranting... I see myself from him and what I wanted myself to be. I thought there will be something for me from him. Akala ko... (I thought)

And indeed, all "akala" are wrong.

I am wrong again.

I feel bad of learning I am wrong.
I such a fool that I denied it from the start that it's all "akala".
I hate myself of having the same mistakes again and again.... and still... again.
I feel stupid... really... really... stupid.

If I told it straight to his face that I do like him, will I be strong enough or at least poised enough to accept his WORST reply?

Problem is I don't have the guts to say it.

I am bubbly. I am strong. That's how many sees it. But inside I cry and crumble... a lot.




Another crack in my fortress that I am building.

Half-half Situations (no.2)

Yesterday was my birthday.

Typical day, except that I did went to church after missing a couple of years ago doing so. And I have a meeting the whole day today.

The postponed Tuesday meeting supposedly, that’s to our madam president… politics, don’t ask!

My VBF told me that he knows it’s hard to make a happy day because I just came from a flu (which he tells me is psychosomatic due to stress and aging… wah? I love him for being so honest at times) so the day didn’t end without asking a few dear friends to join me for a couple of drinks…

But before that… we had to attend to our “work” first… though my mind is kind of “slipping” yesterday. Hehehe. Evil.

Still have a sore thumb from answering quite a few SMS Ü Makes this day really different. Plus a few hugs and kisses here and there from people who knew and just knew about it.

My office-housemates gave me a hearty feast… Ria cooked my now-favorite Stroganoff pasta, bought me my now-favorite Dulce de Leche ice cream and finally, after months of craving it, I get to buy that Sans Rival like Torte cake (which I can’t ever remember the name) from Aristocrat Bakeshop.

Thanks, Mommy Ria! Mmmmwwwuuuaaah!

And off to drink… despite the fact that I am taking antibiotics… I’ll just restart taking them! (Sorry, Nanay… won’t hurt if you don’t know… hehehe)

Went out with Myles, Rio (both my colleagues and friends) and a few new friends like Brian (who is celebrating his day today… Happy Birthday!) with Dianne and Cris.

They found me “quiet” lost night… hahaha! I am just savoring such time like that.

Happy lang ako… thought the day would end nothing lang. Well, it wasn’t nothing naman…

A few laughs… like never since Myles’ that giggly and happy since our college drinking spree. He was even teased by Brian that he should go out more often. Hehehe… we work like stallions (take note: not horses but STALLIONS!!!) chance like this comes… hmmm… rare?

A few chats…
Some smoked… cigarettes… hehehe… we’re clean :p

The night (and the eve of 26th) was almost perfect… well, too perfect until…

BAM!

Yup! Some people just know how to ruin someone’s day. My colleagues know…

Oh well… that’s life.

And yes, I am 29.

Half and Half

No, it’s not that milk or creamer that you use to add that extra taste on you coffee or an ingredient when you bake…

I wish it was as simple as those “ingredients”… at least it has some purpose.

Purpose… lately I have been questioning myself (and others, indirectly) what I am in terms of purpose.

Am I just that unfortunate that things are not working out well in my favor? Let me enumerate just some of my (mis)fortunes…

1.) The battery of my Powerbook gave up on me. Yes! Without any warning it just won’t charge! At this very time that I have quite some trouble in my finances. What a timing!

2.) My VBF and dear friend is leaving for just a break. He deserves it, I know!!! But a month may not sound long but for me IT IS. And USA is a far, far AWAY land ☹

3.) I feel useless… I have not contributed any brilliant nor any useful idea to my team, our client… and I aim to be a “servant” to the world? Wha…?

4.) Mood swings is occurring quite often. Extremities of emotions… Is it a pre-birthday syndrome that I noticed happening yearly since my 18th birthday?

5.) The “Yin-Yang” moment: I am very happy at one moment then I’ll realize it will be taken back by a bad news or a scene stealer or just feel down and sad afterwards. Wow! So nice…

6.) Stuck in a moment no.1: Wanting to go out to take a breather… you are to explode or just to avoid another angry outburst but you simply can’t –– because you don’t have enough money to “free” yourself temporarily.

7.) Stuck in a moment no.2: Immediate or long have been planned date or just meeting a friend… then BAM! Cancel it… bad weather, no cab… or much worse, due to work.

8.) Upgraded my OS… then iTunes will tell you that you’re iPod mini is “corrupted”? WHATTHA…?!

Those are just a few… had even a time I started questioning the higher “authority” up there. Is He testing me because I am not a solid advocate and don’t strictly practice His teachings?

Doubts were undeniably eating me up…

Rules…
Gut feelings…
Personal satisfactions…
Selfless actions…

Despite the misfortunes I can’t deny that somehow I was happy some way or another. I was denying its source due to fear that it will be taken away like those other “happiness”. There was some grin stuck on my face the past weeks. I can’t deny this guy did add up some “reason” for me to get up and hoped that the day would end if not perfect at least good enough.

Unknown to him, he cleared out most of those dark clouds forming in my head. I guess we reminded each other, joked about it and talked on who has a worst life and laughed it out over a few booze and meals. Until it has to be cut off…

It was too good to be true…

So much for being little Miss Honesty… thank you, destiny for making me an ass of my own self!

Do I always have to do some paying back every time I am happy or satisfied? When will it not be taken away? When will it be WHOLE? When will it be just for me, alone?


––––––––––
Image borrowed from Gettyimages.com

Battle-neck?

My… my… my…

Would they change their perception and treatment on me and my colleagues if we’re a registered agency?




Hmmm…

I wonder….

Still Sweet

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

And I was hoping to be bitter (sweet) DARK CHOCOLATE!

Argh.

Cold-blooded?

OH MY GOD!

Geek mode activated!

I saw this before... and I saw it again last night...

And they're back! Check it out... watch the video and see who or what I meant.


Video courtesy of razmy, extracted from youtube.com

Hahaha!

Yes! Call me a "comic/cartoon freak"... Hell! I won't care!

I LOVE these dudes... I won't f*cking deny that!

The reptiles ROCK!!!

My FATE this September

It has been my habit that every first day (or at least first week) of every month I check out what the stars has install for me. Thanks to my VBF who introduce to to this site.

Since June if I’m not mistaken, the astrologer is so consistent (and persistent) that this year will be my year specially in terms of love and relationship. Well… my heart skipped a beat I think when I first read about it… and the 2nd time… but on the 3rd time… Well, nothing’s been happening or just even changed! Sigh…

And now the “stars” tells me this…

…This means that while this month you may assume your love life has been blown to smithereens, what has occurred may be a blessing in disguise. When new love arrives, it will happen in a random, offhand way, at a time when you will be barely thinking about romance. If a meeting doesn't happen this month, you should encounter even better vibes for romance as you get closer to your birthday. Keep your chin up - all things happen for a reason.

→All for a reason… wow! As if no one says so…

The tensions will continue to build, however, until you reach the full moon lunar eclipse in Pisces on September 7. On this day, you will have a full moon eclipse in your fifth house of true love, and this eclipse will be operative plus or minus four days from this date. If you are single and not currently dating, there is a good chance you could meet someone at this time. This is possible because Uranus will be on a mission to radically change your lifestyle in a way you don't expect, so you could conceivably meet a new person.

→Well, the 7th is almost over, so we hang on for the “plus 4 days” part. But as for the dating part… gees… tell me how can that happen?!? How, how… HOW?!?

Your best nights for new love or to enjoy love you have now will be at month's end: September 23, 25, 26, and 29. You might like the events of September 7, but the aspects are so wild and volatile, it is impossible to know if you will be happy or desperately unhappyat that time.

→Now, specific (or call it suggestive) dates are mentioned but then again she tells you that she isn’t sure if it’s happy or not! Wha…?

Again, feelings will be raw and inflamed and liable to put one of your close romantic relationships at risk, but it's not clear if the alliance under your microscope will be a friendship or a romantic one. Be very careful with what you say and how you say it at this time.

→I don’t have that “romantic one” and now I’ll lose a friend?!? WTF?!

Again, in terms of creativity, September 7 is a total wild card. Big life events happen on eclipses, so you may be recording your big record on this day or having a major art opening of your work. Let things happen as they want to, dear Scorpio.

→Yeah! Recording? Art exhibit? I’m at work… and not just stuck in my room!!!

Early this month, Pluto, now being called the "dwarf planet" by scientists but still being recognized by astrologers as a key force in Scorpio's life, will turn direct orbit on September 4.

→Remind me! Overacting it may seem, but I am really affected by those “scientists” that demoted Pluto to being just a “dwarf”. Like what my VBF mentioned in his blog… is it like a beauty pageant when the winner is being stripped off her title! I wish Hades would appear by their foot and burn them to ashes by doing that… bwahahaha!!! How evil of me ;)

When Jupiter moves into Sagittarius in December, you will see a virtual cornucopia of cash open up for you, a trend that will only continue and grow from there into 2007.

→Honestly, I’d rather have this over the love thing, really. I definitely would LOVE this one to happen!

And lastly…

Finally, at month's end you may become involved in a charity event, and if you do, you would surprise yourself with the outstanding results you produce. Nothing an eclipse does is offhand or unusual. If you want to make a difference to others, this would be your chance. Take it and run with it!

→Making a mark is something for me. This made me stop for a moment and think. How can this me? After reading this part, two companies/organizations came about to me: UNICEF and CTW (Children’s Television Workshop).

I rant, complain and sound sarcastic, but I still kept on coming back to the site. I still read it, analyze it and wonder… can all these (or even just a few) really happen?

I wish…
I hope…
I dream…

…that this September would really be of MY month.

;D

Recoil?

Self-pity suddenly crawls and attacks you from the back…



Sigh

When you feel so fucking tired…
When you just wanted to pack-up and leave…
When you wanted to run into your room, slam the door behind you and be alone…
But you can’t… you just SIMPLY can’t!

At one point, you would just burst into sudden tears... but you have to pull it back.

Pull even those fucking tears back...

Now, tell me… what would you do?

Back to Regular Programming

Before the day make its mark, I have to greet myself…

Happy Anniversary to me!

I am officially a year in my current job as a “brand and design consultant”… and still holding on to it.

Let’s make a wish… *blows*





Yey!

ONE YEAR…

That’s it!

I lost my thoughts… geesh…




No one remembered…

Oh! There’s one… ME!

I am lost of words now… unimaginable!

Sleep… my peace.

Compromise

I always wanted to dwell on this such “meaningful” word –– compromise. Let’s start from what Mr. Encarta is saying:

com•pro•mise n

1. a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted ← considered to be better-than-nothing-at-all

2. something that somebody accepts because what was wanted is unattainable ← hard to accept but TRUE

3. exposure to danger or disgrace ← TSK! TSK! TSK!

Need I say more?

I say it’s like selling your soul to the devil –– well, almost. The judgment now is how well you “redeem” yourself when you’ve made your deal. Hmmm… interesting.

The term “better-than-nothing” is quite degrading in some way or another. I, myself have been in the disposition of “compromising” for certain reasons:

1. giving in to get the “order” you wanted… with somehow a gratification behind our heads that we are “in control” but actually it was beyond our duties or line of work. More of spreading your conquered territory by means of “goodwill”… almost giving a service for free para mabango ang pangalan


2. just to finish or end it, may it be a conversation, debate or a project… ”Sundin na lang para matapos na!” (trans. Do what they wanted so it’ll be done and over with!) On our line of work, at times, we have to do the compromising specially if the other party is quite hard-headed and narrow-minded. Thank God, for people (and clients!) that are unbiased and objective thinkers. You all God’s gifts to us!

*clasp-hands, saying* Thank you, thank you so much!


3. you get something out of it, if not immediate at least in the days to come. This may sound uncertain but think of it like when you place money in the bank to save, you expect an interest from it. This is almost like no. 1 but you expect a gain than a loss.

But for how long shall you hold the thought of compromising? The giving in to others will and against your principle?

1. as long as it will save my job and our company
2. until I can hold my sanity and my conscience won’t bother me
3. as far as money will talk

And that, folks, is why conceivably I saw these words inside that word compromise:
• Promise… of completion and fullfillment
• More… projects to come
• Core… of it all is earning
• Sore… is temporary when goal is attained
• Mime… acts it out, no talks no debates just works on it
• Some… accomplishments, some punishments
• Come… more projects
• Rope… to use when you can’t take it anymore (kidding!)
• Spine… backbone to all of this… to gain, to win, to obtain, to earn

…. just to name a few.

And I thought I'm a Grouch...

Perhaps because I LOOOOVEEE to eat (specially sweets!) that's why I am...

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

And the starting word... misunderstood... P-E-R-F-E-C-T!

Being Gay

Let us start from the word itself… GAY, according to Encarta World English Dictionary (and the no.1 definition) is an adjective that pertains to homosexual in sexual orientation. For all we know, it is only in this later decade that this definition became numero uno for the word’s definition. Being gay pertains to merriment, light-heartedness, having a carefree spirit or simply being happy.

But can a gay person be really happy?

I proudly claim that I am a fag hag. I encountered that term a couple of years ago when I met Mike. I know him before I had my menstruation. He was still straight (I think) way back then when he used to sleepover in our place in Bulacan. He’s one of my brother’s college friends. He came out when he decided to reside and work in the US. He openly told me that he’s gay. I told him, I already know (my brother told me) and I have no problem with that. Like my brother, I am surrounded by gay male friends and I am exposed to gay females during my high school days (those “on” relationships–female to female). Then he told me, I knew you’ll be a fag hag ever since you’re a little girl! Fag hag… I never forgot that term from that day on.

Mike is not the only gay person I knew who admitted his sexuality personally to me. Since I am not prejudice and respected them, one even joked that I have this invisible signage over me saying I am a fag hag, come to me and I’ll be your friend! Let’s just say I grew up with parlor gays around me. My mom raised me and my siblings as a beautician. Yup! She used to own a beauty parlor within our house yard. She’s even a secretary of the first Bulacan organization/foundation formed by Ricky Reyes (ATTACH LINK) way back in the 80’s. Perhaps, that’s the reason why I have a heart for persons like them.

Tao rin silang mga bakla… duon sila masaya, minsan nagpapapakagaga kapag ginagastusan ang mga lalake nila pero marangal silang nagtatrabaho para mabuhay (trans. Gay people are humans too… they are happy at their sexuality though they might be considered stupid when they waste their money to their so-called boyfriends but they work their ass off to live) ––These are the very words my mom told me describing these “parlor” gay way back then.

I may not have a parlor gay friend now, but my gay friends belong in different work community. Compared before, the community is SUPPOSEDLY MUCH OPEN to gay people. I highly respect these gay people specially those in our creative industry –– media, advertising, marketing and the like. They’re quick thinkers and are very creative… and VOCAL. Their laughter might me loud and earth-shattering but they do cry (literally and figuratively speaking) when they get hurt.

Just yesterday, I am drinking with my VBF (Virtual Boy Friend)… he received an SMS from another gay friend that this Isagani Cruz wrote an article bashing homosexuals. I haven’t read the article yet but I am planning to once I get my hands on a copy of that article published in Inquirer, the suppose to be a no.1 broad sheet in the country that is fearless of our government…

I will reserve my comment on the article up until I read it myself. But knowing my VBF, he won’t make it such a big deal if this OLD writer didn’t write offensively.

Again, homosexuality may be a choice to some people. Some claim it’s genetics, some said it’s exposure and peers. To me, I don’t fucking care where it came from, whether it’s a virus spreading or an epidemic. These homosexuals are living their lives the way they believe how it should be lived! They are not hoodlums nor thieves. They are not leeches sucking someone’s blood. Excuse me… the politicians we know are the blood suckers to be considered––sucking the project funds that supposedly for their community!

Working homosexuals that are registered are dutiful and PAY THEIR TAXES!!!

My heart breaks when such people… politicians and writers condemn homosexuals. Good thing I don’t own a gun or I’m a secret assassin.

I’m just wondering… with all the writings, comic strips, and debates in regards to homosexuality… what solutions are they proposing to the society? I do hope their not imposing these gay men to marry women to hide their TRUE sexuality?!!! Fuck those politicians or professors with such ideology.

There are other problems in the community to be busy with… water drainage, road works, tax evasion, environmental problems, etc. I wonder how those closet GAY politicians are doing when their butts are being grilled… bwahahaha!

To all my gay friends, gay readers of my blog, fag hags and the like… live your life the way you believe it should be lived! The hell with them. For all we know they might be envious of your happier life than what they are having… specially if they are closet ;)

And to those attacking homosexuals, before you point your finger at gay people check how many more fingers are pointed back at you?! Check if you are really that clean before you scream how dirty others are.

Just my two cents…

How far shall you sell your soul? (Part 1)

Chained has different connotations...






It may be forced or voluntary.

Forced in the sense that they have no other choice. But on the voluntary part, you can say you "sold" your self because you believe on that something that you are to give almost everything for that person or belief.

That tiny spark of light that never died down despite the storms you go through.

Professionally, I could say perhaps I gave all of myself. I am open to other possibilities of skills and new learning. I am not the greatest among the designers nor among the brand consultants. But I am one hell of a dedicated person one can ever meet. Lots that I know now was never ever taught in college. I am grateful of where I am and what I am now.

Bad things arrive, tests happen.

What can't kill you, makes you stronger.

That's what they say...

Should that be taken literally? But hearing the news awhile ago that "another" group was accredited by our client. That concluded my day –– ruined!

My partner comment one of my blogs here that I should not get affected or be emotion with our jobs. I am trying will ALL the requirements. Swallow it whole? I don't know.

I received warnings of this "event". Relayed to our team. Thought it was timely, but it was too late... I think.

I lost my energy, really. I am now in between pushing it further or be a slacker tonight. I lost the energy. I've turned down the ignition to drive. And I hope this is temporary.

Like what I said to my boss-colleague before all this silence started...

Let the war begin!

Life Is What WE Make It

I made a choice –– that one is clear enough.

I was quiet for a couple of months. Busy with work, work and a few personal tasks which is still work. The computer I use is just a couple of feet away from my bed (literally)! Work is perhaps my life now. I always use it as an excuse of why I can’t have any “other” life besides it.

I lack time. I’ve got to have time… but I don’t MAKE time for anything else.

I miss blogging. I could have used this to rant and to rave… but if I may have some spare time, I’d rather use it to sleep or drink.

I am not that alcoholic (to make things straights). For the record, I don’t drink in a bar or even alone. I find that too depressing. I may have depression modes but not to that extent. If I have my very own place, I will definitely be watching a movie over a light dinner or light beer or even wine –– with my lovable golden retriever I might be naming Sam beside me. Simple life… simple single life.

The “drinking plan” never occurred, only yesterday with my VBF (Virtual Boy Friend). I dragged his ass off his masteral class, made him cancel his scheduled meeting with his old college buddy (who was celebrating his birthday in advance). My VBF just loves me perhaps more than any man I’d ever had or will ever had. But we can’t really be together romantically. I’m a fag hag… and he’s gay! (with a boyfriend)

I am happy that the drinking and eating spree happened last Saturday. Thank God we went to Eastwood. Timing perhaps was good if only I am not carrying my laundry and suppose to go home in my mom's province. Bamboo (one of my favorite Filipino alternative band) is playing for FREE that day. I’ll be missing the cute vocalist and their lead guitarist performing. But it’s ok, a couple of cold San Mig light and calamares is not that bad.

For months, I was able to get (and do) what I WANTED.

Now who says, money DOESN’T make the world go round? Hello?!? Reality check please…

I don’t have my own car… hence I don’t drive.
I have 2 bags with me (and one carrying Taynee, my 12” Albook).
I have a couple of drinks… so how did I manage to get home from Eastwood to my province (that is perhaps more than 1000 km, a 1-2hrs drive with traffic)?
I commuted… not taxi, not FX but BUS… PUBLIC bus.

I’ve been a commuter for half my lifetime. Been away from home most of my life. Trained at an early age to be away from my family and live with someone else’s or rent (solo or with a friend). Consider me an independent creature perhaps. But there are times I miss my deadlines in paying my debts like credit cards, phone bill and a little contribution to my parents daily expenses at home. For some miracle, I manage to survive every single f***ing day of my life. Barely saving money for the “raining days” so I pray that God would not permit a major event that I had to sell my soul to his fallen angel, Lucifer.

So what’s the point of all this I am saying? We might complain on things happening in each of our lives. We carrying our own burdens. We rant. We go into depressions and lose self-esteem. We might even just breakdown and burst into tears (that just happened to me a few days ago). All the “what if’s” are sudden running in our heads. STOP, my dear friends (and readers, if there are any)! Think of where you are now and what (or who) made you into who you are now? Who placed you to where you are now?

Answer: Y-O-U!

Pause for awhile. Place yourself away from what is making you feel frustrated, or made you questioned yourself… you made a choice before to place you where you are now. You believed on something that made you decide and made THAT choice. Review and recall… stick to it if you still believe or fate at it. If you don’t, even just a tiny spec of fate at it, why bother stay?

Look at yourself… you are able to read this via net, via computer… I’m quite sure you have a job and can afford. Dear, you are STILL lucky! I see people who really less fortunate than we are. They struggle more than we do. We are lucky… yes, we ARE!

Think for a moment… if you are unhappy, unsatisfied… perhaps you are doing something you don’t want to do. Forced or not, why are you doing that? Let’s not blame others to our misfortunes. There are factors affecting and making us to that but we decide for ourselves, right?

REMINDER: We make the choice(s) for ourselves… as individuals. And I admit, I myself KEEP on forgetting that! I made a choice. For how long can I keep it up if you ask? As long as I could.

Jerks are still surviving these days!

Men are generally jerks…

Well, if not all of them, they’re the most types that I met these years.

Realizations that came to be proven theories by experience:
Realization no. 1
You need to be a head-turner type of woman to be “recalled”… meaning you have big breasts and voluptuous buns (or at least one of them) or better yet, the “sexy-bottle” body figure.

Realization no. 2
If you don’t belong to the species mentioned above but you are “remembered”, DON’T CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY. Do some background check on your family ties or friends, perhaps they’re the reasons why the jerks remembers you or is really, really nice to you… because you’re the sister of the girl they wanted to score, or the best friend of the girl he wanted to be close to and court, or the cousin of the contact he need to have a singing career… in other words… You’re the “bridge”, you hold the line of his success!

Realization no. 3
Deny… Lie… Alibi! Yup! These are the easiest escape for these men when they made a mistake about you on no. 1 and don’t need you on no. 2. Yes, my dear readers. They’ll deny they know you. Lie if they’re online or you caught them with their scheme. And have lame alibis, like they didn’t receive your text messages, phone calls, voicemails or offline messages because their phone batteries were out, they lost their phone with it your number and messages or the best and lamest excuse… their sister is using his YM ID!

Awwww… you’re sweet!!! For you to share to your sister your YM ID and be caught with all your lady fans’ messages!

Stupid creature! Grrrrr…

My brother warned about men with such professions like seamen, military/policeman and ex-seminarians … plus a girl-friend of mine added theater person (actors, artists, etc.)… and now I add rockstar… all the more those ASPIRANTS to be in the mainstream.

Mark my word… someone will have his worst night when he founds out some girl he used managed to play with his dreams…

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Terribly Miserable

What is wrong in getting all the sleep you wanted? Been working my ass off the past weeks and here comes Holy Week –– my chance if not to get away at least sleep till my heart’s delight.

But no…

For heaven’s sake, wala na kayong magagawa kung ‘T*ng #@$ mataba ako!?! (There’s nothing you can do if I’m f*ck#@$ fat!?! I just wanted to sleep… that’s what I can afford to escape and get away even for awhile…

Can anyone let me be? Even for just a week or a couple of days? Damn…

Is it because I am not rich or financially stable that’s why I can’t have my own time nor my own life? Why don’t have a right to rant over something yet my mom has a right to do so? Why can’t she do that to my brother, and only to me?

Maghiwalay na nga kayo kung maghihiwalay Separate for all I care… and don’t make us your children the reason for staying together!!! Geesh! My brothers have their own lives… well, their married, for one. And good for them, generally speaking!

If I’m f*ck#@$ bitch from the start, I would have a much miserable life in their eyes… no degree, no job, no money, unmarried with a child. That is what I THINK is a person with no life. But I am not like that, right now. How come it is I who doesn’t have a life?

I want peace… peace in a sense that I control my life. Peace where they listen to me, respect me and shut their mouths because ranting won’t work. It has been like that since I was born, why bother complain? Peace… where one’s life and time has a meaning and is useful.

Why can’t just be a truce… whatever that means…

Well then, I’d just be what I should have been –– minus the love, loyalty, extra effort, initiative and passion. I’d be the insensitive, selfish, deaf and blind bitch… for real!

Sorry for those who’ve known me and liked me (somehow) for being the “nice” one. I won’t be like that anymore.

Of Marvels and Superheroes

It was the usual work day, well, thinking it would be one as I dragged my butt off the bed. It was pretty unusual because we don’t usually open the television on a working not even on an early time like that.

But it was kind of nostalgic… yup! That’s the word I used… nostalgic.



A quite old cartoon I used to watch on a local channel sometime around my childhood days during weekends. Now, I was able to see it on one cable channel. Nostalgic… made me not work for a while. Savored the moment… then it hit me... again.

Damn! I’m f***ing old.

Oh well…

So I just thought, time and technology did really “impose” change. Or let’s consider it as innovation. As proof…



That my friends, is the first SUPERFRIENDS that I know of… remember? The Wonder Twins and their naughty monkey sidekick (which I forgot the name)… Aquaman (without the beard, mustache and lengthy hair).

But there’s this one which I believe is OLDER than what I showed above…



Aquaman “flying”, Robin as part of the team, Green Lantern look like Christopher Reeves in a mask, and HawkMAN.

And now…



This is where the JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA or just plain JLA of today came from. I first saw JLA in the US at Cartoon Network I think around
2001 (sorry I’m bad at dates). I always wait for it, watch it and its late-night reruns religiously. If I know I’d be missing it, I’d make sure our VCR will be programmed to record it. JLA showed each superhero a deeper persona, a more variant on the nationality if I may say so (i.e. an afro-American Green Lantern) and gender issues or equivalence (HawkGIRL). And a new character for me, Martian who I think took the place of Robin, was introduced in their pilot episode as the mere survivor of their “species” who have come to earth to warn humans about the other aliens who wiped out and devoured his planet. But ever since I got a day-job and came back to my “reality”, I never got to watch it that often. Until I found this…



Ok, unlimited may be associated to “extended”… in this photo, aside from seeing Aquaman in long hair, beard, mustache and ala-Captain Hook left hand (which by the way was an episode or two in JLA), you can see Supergirl and Batgirl (which I haven’t seen in ANY episodes yet, only in Warner Brothers website Gotham Girls series). I have watched a couple of episodes of this “extended” JLA and there are a lot and I mean A LOT of those superheroes which I haven’t even thought be included under the team. I’m not sure f my eyes have deceived me but I’m sure I’ve seen The Lone Ranger there. I’m sure its like crossovers on comics and God! love stories, romance and ala-soap opera love triangles… huh?

Ok, before I get lost and rant on storylines that I really find quite off track, as seen on above photos how evolution is embodied in another imagery. Call it improvement, innovation or adaptation… whatever it is, cartoon is cartoon. I love them since childhood. An escape perhaps or the reality we dwell but one thing surely it did to me that day… I went back ;)

The day was started in a weird but right way. I am somehow pleased. And a child in me was smiling –– happily.

No Day But Today...

Finally…

I get to blog again… (even for just tonight)
I get to watch CSI on a weeknight…
I get to watch RENT…

Finally… after 45 years… thank God it was shown here in my country. Sad to say, it was placed on ONE cinema only at a location where the richest of the land is expected to watch…

Are they expecting the rich people would watch it? My, my… something is wrong with the picture here. May be my VBF would help me with the explanation. He speaks very well than I do ;)

The previous weeks can be an epitome of hell literally by the scorching heat of summer and at work…

Hell because my mind is junked and my performance can be graded as an F, for fat and flunking. I'm a clutter and useless creature––that's how I perceived as seen by my colleagues. Sh*t!!!



… was a perfect time. I thought.

I watched it with my VBF, as planned months ago. I knew he may not like ALL of it, at least he is a man of his word. He stayed with me and watched it. (I am thankful that he is the one with me when I watched this film. Couldn't think of any better person other than him... Mwuah!)

Generally, it was a nice movie. My VBF told me that the cast in the movie (except for Rosario Dawson) were the original cast of RENT in Broadway! Most of the songs are incorporated in the movie. Some may have been removed but still the "feel" of the play is somehow still there. They voices penetrated me, giving me goosebumps! All except for Rosario Dawson (sorry, girl!) My VBF and I find her voice "thin". I've seen the play in Broadway, bought the original broadway CD soundtrack and played it over and over in my iPod. Unfortunately, Miss Dawson wasn't able to gve justice to Maureen.

I wanted to watch it AGAIN (given a chance). Perhaps this time, I’ll be alone to “savor” the essence of the movie. May be I should get myself a DVD copy of it... hmmm...

Roger, Mark, Tom, Mimi, Benny, Joanne, Maureen and Angel.

Artists, may it be the Bohemians (as they are called), filmmakers, stage/street performers and the like… they are found to be “weird” but they are just like anyone of us. Knowing them and understanding them individually or collectively, they have a piece in each one of us. I may sound bias, I know they are fictional characters but I believe they somehow exist somewhere out there…. somewhere within us.

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss…”

“No other road, no other way… No day but today…”

RENT will always be near and dear to me.

Measuring Beauty

Today was a full-day meeting outside of our office. We came back in our lair earlier than usual. All is ok but later on it wasn’t anymore.

I feel bad.

I took a nap thinking that perhaps it would ease that uneasiness, to feel somehow refreshed. But I woke up and feeling was still there. It never went away.

I still couldn’t define exactly how I felt. It’s a mixture of anger, disappointment and hatred.

I grew up with an implication that society has a norm. And being expose to such I respected and thought have accepted it. And I have proven again that norms existed and society still has not changed.

I am may not be the brightest person ever existed, nor the prettiest ever born. I am not Venus, Athena nor Nicole Kidman.

I am fat. Obese in the clinical or even politically speaking (whatever that is). I have love handles (take note of the “s”). I don’t have mestiza blood not have the softest, flawless skin ever. I don’t have the right to wear 2-piece bathing suits or backless, cleavage exposed gowns. But I am comfortable with the way I am.

I have skills. I have brains. I carry myself well… because I know where to put myself.

Beauty is not in the beholder’s eyes but it has long been imposed by some influencial creatures way back in the Philippine history… this is what I strongly believe by experience. Thanks to society itself.

Beauty is measured by the physical feature one endures. It’s always the packaging that matters –– what is initially seen outside the “box”. I, for one, should have understand this. I am a branding consultant. Right now, in my team I am designated with the “physical” look of any of our accounts. I wanted our clients to exclaim and hear “Wow!” from them the moment they see the “box” I made for their product. But now here I am ranting and pouring all my emotions. Don’t get me wrong. Of all the jobs I’ve been, from where I am now is the most fulfilling of all. Mark my word for it. I may not be as financially rich as other people of my age now but I can proudly say my work now makes me feel more relevant. It may be hard to explain but who the hell cares?

It insults me when I get to hear ladies being turned down because of physical look! That men, may it be those jerky ones, partner, friend, project managers or clients prefer those pretty, dumb blonds over skillful, talented ugly ducklings.

I should, of all may it be ladies like me or men known better because I am a branding consultant. It’s all about my work, nothing personal.

But business is personal.

Do I make any sense here? It just hit me again. The truth that society has its “standards” of beauty, may it be in whatever use… beauty did killed the beast, not the brain.

Sex sells.

I am affected. And it hurts a lot. I may not be the direct hit over this event that occurred a few hours ago. My job, my life… and the fact that I epitomize those that can not wear that 2-piece because we are not sexy by standard.

I just have to deal with it.

This is it!!!

Wow! Thank God that Tito (my friend’s dad) has to sleep in the living room because they’re leaving for the province early tomorrow. If not for him, I won’t have the chance to write this…

Shet!

This topic has been delayed for almost a week already. All I wanted to share is…

I’ve got my new baby!!!


This is how it looks like when it's brand new

YES!!! Since I have been missing my Precious and she seemed to be missing me too (I imagined it to be that way though), I’ve got to ease the pain of losing my baby. But now that I have a replacement (hard to take or rude of me to use the term, but that’s how it goes these days)… I’ve got to move on.

And I did. I really didn’t thoroughly abandoned my Precious. She’s in the cares of my friend’s cousin. But I feel sad that she seemed to be uneasy (or rejecting) her new mommy. Once, a DVD was stuck inside her and it took me hours to figure out to remove it (before midnight striked, she just ejected the DVD. I was furious of course, because it felt that the new owners… nevermind. But what can I do, she isn’t mine anymore… not in my protective cuddle. And the latest event, the hinge broke!!! Yup! And no one from my Precious new owner admitted the crime ☹

But I have to move on…

And I did… with my every cent (my ATM is way below my required maintaining balance), support (partial sponsorship) from my Tatay, my cousin and my dear boss-friend, I was able to get a second-hand. It may not be those so-much-high-powered and super-high SDRamm but it’s a 12-inch Powerbook G4 with a little improvement from my Precious previous specs. So, handy and weigh much lighter than my Precious. And I’m writing my first blog on her now…

People, meet Taynee*…


Sorry about the photo, just used a camphone

*Taynee , it’s spelled like that because it’s an “expanded” version of the first name I thought of for my new baby, ”Tiny”.

My new baby is way much smaller, lighter and slight powerful that my Precious. And the name quite represents a younger persona… being “little” and a term of “affection”… young sister or daughter ;)

Gearing up for future projects ;) This is it (just) for now. My batt’s juice is about to be drained…

More to come Ü

It NEVER lies!!!

All of you should take note of this...

fanged beauty* -- [noun]: An immortal 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

And that, folks is who I am!!!

*fanged beauty perfectly matched my identity by definition, aside from being used as a substitute for my real name

Can the stars be right this time?

Perhaps it has become a habit of mine to check my "destiny" as the stars dictates it could be. My friend refered me to this site: www.astrologyzone.com and guess what "stunning" quotes pulled out from my zodiac.

"Mercury will be in retrograde position in your fifth house of true love from March 2 to 25, so you may see someone you used to date and might even decide to rekindle things all over again. Only time will tell, but one thing you can be certain of - you can get some sort of closure."

I have read this "someone" since October last year. Predicted days and all, but this one is quite longer that the previous ones. There is still someone from my past that I "wished" to see and talked to. Although I tried psyching myself that he's gone and hopefully even a "closure" for me to finally get my peace that I defintely deserve. But here it goes again... haunting me...

Damn it!

What a f*cking timing...

"... was a certain comfort level in seeing someone who knew you "way back when." It certainly makes you think!"

Undeniably, it did get my attention.

I miss my Precious... my mobile phone seemed to be dying on me too... financial crisis... then this... emotional stability... gees! What's next? Hail on my tropical island?

I complain... I'm a bitch. I should be enduring all these. Sure.

And the cherry over the whipped cream on my ice cream...

... It's a month that has all sorts of twists and turns, so be open to what the universe has in store for you. With Jupiter in your sign this year, you're the celestial favorite. Should anything happen to cause you grief, this time you can turn the tables in your favor. It's a great time to be a Scorpio - never forget that!

Yeah.. I should never forget that... I am the "force" above's apple of the eye.

Cosmic force + bitch (me) = ?

You tell me...

Oh... good luck to each and everyone who crosses to a bitchy Scorpions path.

Missing

Yes, I know.

It’s just been three (3) days since I;ve parted with my Precious. Though it’s been almost a week that I know for a fact that I’ll be letting it go… well, it’s more than that actually. It’s been years of denial that one day I have it go.

Yes, it’s an “it”… my Precious is my very first Powerbook. A hard-earned investment almost half a decade ago. It was one of new releases back then, the Titanium version. Nowadays, models of Powerbook are made with aluminum casings, much lighter, much powerful and much cheaper than my Precious. Well, cheaper in the sense that with the same amount that I bought my Precious in the US, you can buy a new AlBook (as previously termed TiBook) with a higher capacity and capability.


This is the latest version of Apple's Powerbook, the MacBook. My TiBook's "descendant".

Sigh…

I am such a sentimental bitch! For as much as I try to change myself (take note: changing JUST the “sentimental” part AND will retain being a bitch!) I can’t deny that I am such a sentimental, emotional and attached person. Attached in the sense that once I have it, what more if it is earned with my very own sweat and blood, I see it as one precious belonging. Call it corny or over-reacting, I consider them as like my own kids. Yes… I take care of my “belongings” that much.

Gahd! Is this what you call separation anxiety? Damn it! Am I a geek bitch that I feel more emotionally affected by parting with Precious Tibook than having no boyfriend at all?

YES! I am a geek… a female, child-bearing capable geek bitch!

Got a problem with that?! Hmmmm?!!!!!

All because of a butterfly

Yesterday was not quite right for me. Long bath somehow helped. I turned off my Mac to restrain myself from working. Then I turned on the television…

There was American Idol… almost done…
Wild Sex of Killer Whales on National Geographic Channel… not in the mood…
Xmen:Evolution on Cartoon Network… cool…

Then I remembered one of my housemates told me tonight is the revelation night for this known Filipino actor before, Rustom Padilla in Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition. I flipped channels then there it was… just in time.

There were other scenes. But the revelation was placed on the latter part of course ––style to get the ratings up obviously.

An introduction to the “aspired” revelation: This Rustom guy is quite good-looking during his time in Philippine show business. He got to married a pretty known actress too named Carmina Villaroel. They seemed to hit it off, until rumors spread and homosexuality seemed to be starting to “flourish” then. Until annulment case was file for the two and years of battling, Carmina got what she wanted. Now she’s living with Zoren Legaspi, another actor and had twins from him. Two good-looking children, one girl and one boy. Ahhh… fairy tale story? Or just a combination of good sets of DNA?

So, what had happened to Rustom when Carmina now had gone back to showbiz somehow and seemd to be happy with her 2 kids? Rustom suddenly disappeared and his family, even his much controvertial actor star-womanizer brother turned to Muslim that was once linked to the daughter of an ex-president of the Philippine republic (whew! That was mouthful) All these was answered somehow in his revelation

Enough of the introduction and on with me… of course this is my blog. That revelation of Rustom was just merely a confirmation on my part. I have been surrounded by gay people of “all shapes and sizes” ––quoting him. Seeing him years back, after the alleged annulment, I knew way back then he’s gay. But as a human and a fag hag I share my sentiments to Rustom. His hardships and being in closet from the public eye he used to be comfortable with was now revealed. His 30+ years of hiding is opened up in just less than 30 minutes. And all revelations started when a mariposa, a huge local specie of the Philippine butterfly, landed on Rustom's legs.

Good for him. But it just didn’t stop there… it’s a start. Just the start.

But what made my day was Keana Reeves, one of Rustom’s housemates in the show. She one the one Rustom is talking to and was said to be close to him. In the middle of the revelation, where Rustom is teary-eyed and assuming the tele-viewers also, Keana excused herself telling Rustom that she needs to pee.

Gahd!!! That’s a scene stealer!!!

I was crying not because of Rustom (although I have sentiments for him also) but I was crying out of laughing because of Keana Reeves. Gees!

I am starting to love that lady because she is real. Of all the people in that house, she might have the irritating Bisayan accent or the most tactless of them all but she is the REAL person in that house.

Gurl, because of that, I might be watching that show just to be entertained by reality (of someone else’s life). But definitely, Keana, if she isn’t to be the last person standing there, she will definitely be one of the housemates to be staying longer in Big Brother’s house.

One of THOSE days...

The title may have spoken for itself –– it’s one of those days again.

It’s supposed to be the same old usual day… I set my cellphone to alarm at six in the morning and then bam! I bragged my ass off the bed a little after eight this morning with this heavy feeling again.

Could it be because it’s the start of a new month? Nah! Coincidence if I may call it.

Over breakfast with my colleagues and housemates, we sort of shared stories out of college days and so forth. We can feel that the sun seemed to be angry at us because its rays seemed to have sneaked through the windows hitting us hard on our napes or faces. Summer is definitely just around the corner. Heat is felt through the walls.

I hate it! Not my work… it’s more lighter now than the past few days. But what is it that I feel that hatred for? Try to blame it on the heat and beating it by taking a long cold bath but coming out of the shower, that feeling is still bugging me.

Damn! I can’t even pinpoint what that fucking feeling is!!!

’Tang ina!

Now the day is almost over. God might have felt that the heat is passing through my head that He gave a little rain awhile ago. Air seemed a little cooler but the earth released a somewhat foul smell –– that weird smell of dry land. Hard to describe. But it’s smelled worst… made me feel more remorse. Gees! Lord, forgive me if I didn’t practice what You might have expected of me today as being the Ash Wednesday. God knows I believe in Him but not fully of what Catholism is. I now question some of its practices (that would be for another story).

Going back. So God showered us with a little rain, awhile ago. I was thinking if He is helping me “cool” down a bit of emphasizing more of how I feel – that I wanted to cry.

Cry, my child. Let it all out… Could God be telling me to do that right now? Duh?! Cry it all out? I would look even more stupid doing that!!! This creature crying… out of what? See my point?!?

So what am I fucking suppose to do?


I remembered some events on my college days. Happy and terrible ones. Recalling it might have triggered this feeling. Loiving my days with such memories made me see and understand more what had happened. What they were then and what they may serve now. Some are clearer now than before, seeing it in a different perspective than before being within the situation. How time have passed. Still some questions were never answered until now. I thought I have moved on but it seemed to have come back again?

Oh, God, please? Not again…

One thing could have helped perhaos. But if then it’s was hard to ask, it’s even harder now. How the fuck am I to ask for a closure?!? They might not even be a thing to close!

It’s hard to argue with yourself. And even thinking that I am talking to myself what more even arguing… I feel stupid! God! Please, let not this be a sign that I am in a verge of crossing the line of insanity…

Oh, what the…. Shit!

Let me live a life of my own…
A life far… no, very far from them…
Away… far, far away from them, with no relation my past.
A life of new and fresh beginning.
To which I can do far better than before.
A more sensible, useful and creative one.
Where my body is well and my mind is free.
One that I can claim my own… my very own!

Please…

Let me go.

Let me be…

Have you ever wonder why...

What the hell is a VBF? Extending the acronym, it stands for Virtual Boy Friend. First mentioned in my blog prior to this one you are reading.

So what is basically a VBF? I strongly believe (Yuck! I sounded like sooo serious… as if I’m in a defense of some sort… not so me!) Ok… so where (or when) this term came about?

Let me try to define it word by word, piece by piece…

Boy n means male technically and physically who longs for female companionship? Initially it’s the girl or women longs for them but lately, due to openness on the “concept” of sexuality… the additional gender and acceptance (well, mostly by all but not yet totally) of homosexuals. With this definition, I gave you probable doubts that I maybe gay but for basis and logical reason (Shocks! I sounded serious again… gees!) I am a physically, biologically and authentic woman.

Friend n means someone who has a close personal relationship of mutual affection and trust with another… need I say more? (thank you, Mr. Webster!)

And Virtual n tells of something in effect even if not in reality or not conforming to the generally accepted definition of the term. (Again, thank you, Mr. Webster!)

By definition, “virtual” is absolutely perfect adjective to describe my BF. We do meet, go out, give gifts and at times held hands but beyond what your imagination may be telling you, like in those movies you’ve watched and is playing over and over in your head –– we are NOT those “usual” couples of the society. Those pairs that believed and is living on the “romanticized” type of relationship. We never (and that’s definitely forever) go beyond that. No mushy-mushy loveeey-dabee pair… no French kissing for us, no “inseparable-dependency drama” and of course, no intercourse, make love, sex (or whatever you may call it!) to anticipate––NOT even a BJ! ;) My goodness! I don’t want to be caught in between fights nor the cause of separation.

He has a partner.

Yup. He does have one. A very fortunate one, if I may say ;)

Although if that happens, (the sex and all) my hair shall grow longer and will revolve around the world 5x!!! And I’ll be crossing out “becoming a mistress” on my list as well. –– Ha! Ha! Ha!

Dahlin’ if you’re reading these… hope I won’t be freaking you out. Or else, that would be another thing to blog about –– He! He! He!

Just kidding!!! My goodness! That really can’t be possible cause if that REALLY happens, he’ll become a full-pledge lesbian!!! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!

As far as I know, it is I (vainly claiming its sole ownership of the term) who is the first and even the only who has a VBF.

Despite the definition, I know and is assured that my VBF is far better off to those men around me right now. I might be missing some of the privileges of having a normal relationship I once had (well, if that can even be considered “normal”). I am not closing my doors to men nor am I a man-hater. It’s just that right now, while the “probable” guy seemed to be lost looking for me (if there is one or still alive), this setup works well for me –– and for him.

Whether it’s a Virtual Boyfriend or a Virtual Girlfriend, it pays well to have one––well, in a non-monetary way, of course! May be you might like to have one too? He! He! He! ;)

And that folks, is what a VBF is.

Bragging

This I have to brag…


This is just one I got virtual boyfriend’s presents.

We finally got a chance to meet up by my VBF (virtual boyfriend) after he left me for his Christmas break in the vast desert of Dubai inhaling Shisha (check spelling), striding like a diva in the sidewalks, hip bumping with a belly dancer and riding the camel.

How I envy his adventures there while we wipe saliva drool over our computer monitor. (Of course, I’m exaggerating) But with his magnificent visually stimulating blogging it felt that whoever reads it has been their with him in his “adventures”. Ha! With what he stated, one friend of ours dreams to visit the very same place and as if retrace my VBF steps.

Oh… and one more thing… (Sorry Steve Jobs, with all my respect, I had to borrow your famous and notable line)



Another present from him… hahaha! I haven’t even reached the mid-section of my previous “Black Book” and now he gives me another one!

That’s just of the reasons why he is my virtual boyfriend (VBF). (Oh, I erased our names)

And don’t argue with that!!!

And the bitch strikes back

What’s the best way to start my blog here but to rant! Yes… to rant!

And I thought I have started my year right by either cursing and inflicting to my nemesis or might as well forgive them. But forgiveness is useless when you don’t forget their sins. Yes… I never forget. They say it’s bad though but what the heck! That’s my thing –– I may forget your name but I never, ever forget whatever you did to me. All the more, if it is unforgivable.

Like for instance, this girl generally known in our college days as Lollipop, which I don’t think need to be explained why? (Well, ask then I shall further explain if needed) gave me a buzz a couple of days ago. As I’ve heard, she and her now husband carried their butts off and flew to that “flourishing” land somewhere in the UAE. I thought well, that would be good… she’s out of my hair and is really, really far a-way. So, for some reason, she gave me a buzz over YM. Looking for one of our gay friends that she heard was planning to fly over to Japan. Fine! That gay friend of ours contacted here before. Who cares? I don’t. Even if I knew where or what our gay-friend’s where abouts, I will not exert efforts informing her. For one, I am not her keeper and second of all I don’t like her attitude.

Too bad I wasn’t able to save the YM messages. Well, it’s a good thing of course. But I somehow “forgave” her from the sins she did to me before. But right now, I despise even the idea of forgiving her. Sayang eh! (What a waste!) Even if it’s just messages in the YM, I can still feel her attitude of dominance, arrogance and hmp! Recalling it now makes me mad. Forgive me, Lord… but I have to retract the forgiveness I just gave her. I am f*cking busy and she is not paying me my time to be wasted on her because she’s asking me where the hell is our gay-friend?! Plus the fact that she’s giving me that attitude. She is pissed as she stated (in Tagalog) because I am not answering her inquiry and logged out on her. One, anyone… anyone has no right to judge if you or someone else has not been answering your messages in YM. Two, how damn sure are you if the person you are buzzing is in fact online or logged off at you?!!! Why give the attitude? Why give me the attitude?!!! Well in fact, she’s asking the favor. Take note: she is asking a favor… Don’t you think you have at least be kind enough to sound like nice and all because you are asking a favor?

Where the hell is your ethics?... My gahd!

The nerve!!!

From whatever source this came from, I have this thought from the day I learned what pain is: An elephant may forgive, but it never forgets.

For old times sakes... this is for you!

And I did it again...

Inhales the breeze...

Ahhhh.... the taste of freedom...

I hope this will be longer.