The EIW! Series No. 2

Some people are just born jerks. And part of that pool of people is your ex. Despite the fact that you used to love him and make tanggol of him, there will really come a time that you will be in despise and will tell yourself what’s with me and I used to be his girlfriend.

Scenario 1: He asks you out again saying, “just like the good old times”.

Teka lang, wait! Tulad ng dati? Has he not gotten over you? That’s flattering. But he dumps you and then asks you out again? Hmmm… Get over it and get away from me, jerk!


Scenario 2: He YMs you and gives his new number, even though you didn’t ask for it, and says, “eto na, kahit di mo hingin para tawagan mo ako” (translation: here it is even though you didn’t ask for it, so you’d call me).

The nerve! Ikaw pang tatawag? Eh gago pala talaga yung ex mo eh! Girl… move, like ask na a lawyer to give that restraining order for thousands of miles away ang distance n’yo dapat.


Scenario 3: You quite see him often and he says, he’s just around the corner.

If you feel it’s quite odd to see him “around the corner”, girl, if your gut feeling tells you sinusundan-sundan ka nya, then he IS a stalker! May be you need to have a new boyfriend na or hire a bodyguard. Pero since wala ka ring budget unlike Ruffa Gutierrez na PNP Police pang bodyguards, perhaps start asking favor sa isang male friend for your protection. Choose a nice looking guy na rin, so at lest he can pose na rin as a pseudo-BF ;)


It may be flattering at a certain point when ex-es go back to you but most of the times it irritating, even scary. May it be obsession or plain annoyance, still it’s not nice. What can we do, we are simple irresistible creatures.

EIW! Series entry no. 2: The Bugging Ex

Threat With a Cause

I am really pissed with what most of the people in one of our client’s office has been doing to my team.

Pissed that I can make patay or make saksak to anyone of them if I see them right now. Specially the first lady.

But come to think of it, masisira ang nails ko and my hand will havee bahid with icky blood na baka berde paaah…

It’s like… kadiri!

That would have been my reaction if I would be writing each time I feel inis to our clients, each time they make some tanga judgements or revision calls… Or I could have written more emotional and more authentic Kris reactions if I have reacted right then and there…

But it’s been way behind… the rage and emotion that certain stupid people has been causing to me and most of my team.

The peak was just this day. I was suppose to have just a lazy Saturday when I got an early SMS from my team mate asking if I am awake and read an email from the first lady… well, if it’s from the first lady… it’s war AGAIN.

My friend-boss has been holding the biggest threat for weeks now. Just a few minutes ago, he released it to the “president”. A threat that neither sides will be of a winner. Both loses. But it would regain the morale of the team with all the risk on our backs again.

Now, we make hintay as to what the reaction of the president-big boss that we believe in from the very start. He could have been the President Marcos the lead the Philippine economy high but was dragged down by the people around him.

A brilliant and nice man… with a dream… and my boss-friend could be Ninoy Aquino, my "dad"… hopefully, minus the assassination plot of course.

The EIW! Series

I just thought, why not write something close to my heart and perhaps really funny or scary or whatever feeling may be associated with it. So, what is really near to me right now? Mga “kadiring” experiences!!!

Let me start with my very own experience kanina lang…

You know, I have been in denial of it for weeks now since baka I’m just confused or hallucinating but kanina, I can’t deny it anymore! Because instead na I may be kilig since I like this guy but hindi eh.

Before he said “hi” and then made beso...

He made kindat to me!


The beso nga was kinda malakas kasi I felt a little pain on my cheek. And he reacted as well. He said, “aray” also.

I wonder why I didn’t feel kilig about it? I like him pa naman pero… YUCK talaga eh! Pero what he really did is like...

EIW!

EIW! Series entry no. 1: The Wink

Alter Ego Is Brought Back To Life

May isang blog akong natuklasan na (finally) napapanahon ng ilabas ko at buhayin ang sleeping beauty kong persona. Matagal-tagal ko na rin siyang itinago at itinatwa. Maraming na ring nangyari na dapat nai-blog ko pero wala na, it's all down the drain na.

Dati, noong payat at bata-bata pa ako, may mangilang-ngilang nagsasabing kamukha ko daw siya at parehas daw kami magsalita o mag-comment. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam (o matanggap?) kung seryoso ba silang lahat o ginagago lang nila ako.

Ngayon, sabi ko, let's turn the tables... what if I use it in my advantage (paano man, di pa ako sure?). Ilabas na ang nagtatagong persona. In the language that I am really comfortable with, Tagalog... o minsan, Taglish (Tagalog+English). Paano ko mabubuhay ang personang ito sa pagsusulat? Hindi ko rin alam. Bahala na si Batman, o Batgirl... o si Kuya Boy Abunda (huh?) Let's see na lang if this would work and help me out as well.

So, anong aasahan n'yo sa page blog na ito? Tungkol pa rin sa buhay ko, ng ibang tao kung anu-ano pa na may kasamang panlalait, pang-ookray, may papuri rin naman at siguro, patawa minsan. Pero di ako talaga kumedyante eh. I may speak like her in this page blog also. Basta, surprise na lang. Kasi baka pati ako, masupresa rin.

Good luck sa ating lahat.

Sana hindi ako mahabla lang sa gagawin kong ito. Hindi ko rin ma-guarantee na kathang-isip lang ang mga lalabas dito o nangyari sa buhay ko. Pasensya na lang sa mga taong tatamaan kung magiging pasaway ako. Sabi nga, bato-bato sa langit ang tamaan ay... GUILTY!

Mga kapatid... Kristeta Punyeta is back from the dead!

Got Something New And Yet I'm STILL Blue

OK–– is such an overrated word.

Things are not quite great lately. Nothing seemed to be working on my own favor. I decided to turn thing around and went to satisfying myself materially...

SHOPPING!

Bought a new phone...

I wanted the RED one but it's overly expensive. It's NEW, syncs perfectly (finally, after configuring it for HOURS) and still I'm not yet that satisfied...

I know what's wrong... and I am denying it.

Deny...
DENY...
L-I-E!

It's getting worse...

F*ck!

Of Good Fortune?

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Hmmm... and I wish this WILL BE true...

Getting It Out of My System

I missed a lot of "good" things to blog. Most of the time I am unknowingly "inspired" with that stupid smile locked up on my face. I go out after work quite often lately with a few new people, a new group perhaps. My time is occupied with work that I am truly enjoying. I won't deny that I have episodes of rage and almost-breakdowns.

It all part of it.


Those five words up there is constantly reminded to me by my colleagues and friends. I am seen as generally extrovert and transparent. They just don't know that I am bothered also by other factors aside from work.

Work is my life. Unavoidably personal too. Work can be my facade. There are things better kept to myself, because it's way more personal. Personal that is inspirational and destructive at times.

Right now, I can not tell whether I am sad or frustrated, angry or stunned. I really don't know what it is I am feeling exactly. But I am definitely sure that I am not happy.

Emptiness seemed to engulf my system again. I am staring blankly at my notes and on my computer screen. I had my drink last night... hard drinks. I made it an excuse of me being non-functional. But it is just an excuse. I know my limit and I drink responsibly.

I am really lost of thoughts. Lost of words.

I feel bad of realizing that is quite obvious all along. Perhaps I kept on denying it from the start because I did like him. I enjoyed every moment we were together, drinking, chatting, smoking, ranting... I see myself from him and what I wanted myself to be. I thought there will be something for me from him. Akala ko... (I thought)

And indeed, all "akala" are wrong.

I am wrong again.

I feel bad of learning I am wrong.
I such a fool that I denied it from the start that it's all "akala".
I hate myself of having the same mistakes again and again.... and still... again.
I feel stupid... really... really... stupid.

If I told it straight to his face that I do like him, will I be strong enough or at least poised enough to accept his WORST reply?

Problem is I don't have the guts to say it.

I am bubbly. I am strong. That's how many sees it. But inside I cry and crumble... a lot.




Another crack in my fortress that I am building.

Half-half Situations (no.2)

Yesterday was my birthday.

Typical day, except that I did went to church after missing a couple of years ago doing so. And I have a meeting the whole day today.

The postponed Tuesday meeting supposedly, that’s to our madam president… politics, don’t ask!

My VBF told me that he knows it’s hard to make a happy day because I just came from a flu (which he tells me is psychosomatic due to stress and aging… wah? I love him for being so honest at times) so the day didn’t end without asking a few dear friends to join me for a couple of drinks…

But before that… we had to attend to our “work” first… though my mind is kind of “slipping” yesterday. Hehehe. Evil.

Still have a sore thumb from answering quite a few SMS Ü Makes this day really different. Plus a few hugs and kisses here and there from people who knew and just knew about it.

My office-housemates gave me a hearty feast… Ria cooked my now-favorite Stroganoff pasta, bought me my now-favorite Dulce de Leche ice cream and finally, after months of craving it, I get to buy that Sans Rival like Torte cake (which I can’t ever remember the name) from Aristocrat Bakeshop.

Thanks, Mommy Ria! Mmmmwwwuuuaaah!

And off to drink… despite the fact that I am taking antibiotics… I’ll just restart taking them! (Sorry, Nanay… won’t hurt if you don’t know… hehehe)

Went out with Myles, Rio (both my colleagues and friends) and a few new friends like Brian (who is celebrating his day today… Happy Birthday!) with Dianne and Cris.

They found me “quiet” lost night… hahaha! I am just savoring such time like that.

Happy lang ako… thought the day would end nothing lang. Well, it wasn’t nothing naman…

A few laughs… like never since Myles’ that giggly and happy since our college drinking spree. He was even teased by Brian that he should go out more often. Hehehe… we work like stallions (take note: not horses but STALLIONS!!!) chance like this comes… hmmm… rare?

A few chats…
Some smoked… cigarettes… hehehe… we’re clean :p

The night (and the eve of 26th) was almost perfect… well, too perfect until…

BAM!

Yup! Some people just know how to ruin someone’s day. My colleagues know…

Oh well… that’s life.

And yes, I am 29.

Half and Half

No, it’s not that milk or creamer that you use to add that extra taste on you coffee or an ingredient when you bake…

I wish it was as simple as those “ingredients”… at least it has some purpose.

Purpose… lately I have been questioning myself (and others, indirectly) what I am in terms of purpose.

Am I just that unfortunate that things are not working out well in my favor? Let me enumerate just some of my (mis)fortunes…

1.) The battery of my Powerbook gave up on me. Yes! Without any warning it just won’t charge! At this very time that I have quite some trouble in my finances. What a timing!

2.) My VBF and dear friend is leaving for just a break. He deserves it, I know!!! But a month may not sound long but for me IT IS. And USA is a far, far AWAY land ☹

3.) I feel useless… I have not contributed any brilliant nor any useful idea to my team, our client… and I aim to be a “servant” to the world? Wha…?

4.) Mood swings is occurring quite often. Extremities of emotions… Is it a pre-birthday syndrome that I noticed happening yearly since my 18th birthday?

5.) The “Yin-Yang” moment: I am very happy at one moment then I’ll realize it will be taken back by a bad news or a scene stealer or just feel down and sad afterwards. Wow! So nice…

6.) Stuck in a moment no.1: Wanting to go out to take a breather… you are to explode or just to avoid another angry outburst but you simply can’t –– because you don’t have enough money to “free” yourself temporarily.

7.) Stuck in a moment no.2: Immediate or long have been planned date or just meeting a friend… then BAM! Cancel it… bad weather, no cab… or much worse, due to work.

8.) Upgraded my OS… then iTunes will tell you that you’re iPod mini is “corrupted”? WHATTHA…?!

Those are just a few… had even a time I started questioning the higher “authority” up there. Is He testing me because I am not a solid advocate and don’t strictly practice His teachings?

Doubts were undeniably eating me up…

Rules…
Gut feelings…
Personal satisfactions…
Selfless actions…

Despite the misfortunes I can’t deny that somehow I was happy some way or another. I was denying its source due to fear that it will be taken away like those other “happiness”. There was some grin stuck on my face the past weeks. I can’t deny this guy did add up some “reason” for me to get up and hoped that the day would end if not perfect at least good enough.

Unknown to him, he cleared out most of those dark clouds forming in my head. I guess we reminded each other, joked about it and talked on who has a worst life and laughed it out over a few booze and meals. Until it has to be cut off…

It was too good to be true…

So much for being little Miss Honesty… thank you, destiny for making me an ass of my own self!

Do I always have to do some paying back every time I am happy or satisfied? When will it not be taken away? When will it be WHOLE? When will it be just for me, alone?


––––––––––
Image borrowed from Gettyimages.com

Battle-neck?

My… my… my…

Would they change their perception and treatment on me and my colleagues if we’re a registered agency?




Hmmm…

I wonder….

Still Sweet

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds. You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life. Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

And I was hoping to be bitter (sweet) DARK CHOCOLATE!

Argh.

Cold-blooded?

OH MY GOD!

Geek mode activated!

I saw this before... and I saw it again last night...

And they're back! Check it out... watch the video and see who or what I meant.


Video courtesy of razmy, extracted from youtube.com

Hahaha!

Yes! Call me a "comic/cartoon freak"... Hell! I won't care!

I LOVE these dudes... I won't f*cking deny that!

The reptiles ROCK!!!

My FATE this September

It has been my habit that every first day (or at least first week) of every month I check out what the stars has install for me. Thanks to my VBF who introduce to to this site.

Since June if I’m not mistaken, the astrologer is so consistent (and persistent) that this year will be my year specially in terms of love and relationship. Well… my heart skipped a beat I think when I first read about it… and the 2nd time… but on the 3rd time… Well, nothing’s been happening or just even changed! Sigh…

And now the “stars” tells me this…

…This means that while this month you may assume your love life has been blown to smithereens, what has occurred may be a blessing in disguise. When new love arrives, it will happen in a random, offhand way, at a time when you will be barely thinking about romance. If a meeting doesn't happen this month, you should encounter even better vibes for romance as you get closer to your birthday. Keep your chin up - all things happen for a reason.

→All for a reason… wow! As if no one says so…

The tensions will continue to build, however, until you reach the full moon lunar eclipse in Pisces on September 7. On this day, you will have a full moon eclipse in your fifth house of true love, and this eclipse will be operative plus or minus four days from this date. If you are single and not currently dating, there is a good chance you could meet someone at this time. This is possible because Uranus will be on a mission to radically change your lifestyle in a way you don't expect, so you could conceivably meet a new person.

→Well, the 7th is almost over, so we hang on for the “plus 4 days” part. But as for the dating part… gees… tell me how can that happen?!? How, how… HOW?!?

Your best nights for new love or to enjoy love you have now will be at month's end: September 23, 25, 26, and 29. You might like the events of September 7, but the aspects are so wild and volatile, it is impossible to know if you will be happy or desperately unhappyat that time.

→Now, specific (or call it suggestive) dates are mentioned but then again she tells you that she isn’t sure if it’s happy or not! Wha…?

Again, feelings will be raw and inflamed and liable to put one of your close romantic relationships at risk, but it's not clear if the alliance under your microscope will be a friendship or a romantic one. Be very careful with what you say and how you say it at this time.

→I don’t have that “romantic one” and now I’ll lose a friend?!? WTF?!

Again, in terms of creativity, September 7 is a total wild card. Big life events happen on eclipses, so you may be recording your big record on this day or having a major art opening of your work. Let things happen as they want to, dear Scorpio.

→Yeah! Recording? Art exhibit? I’m at work… and not just stuck in my room!!!

Early this month, Pluto, now being called the "dwarf planet" by scientists but still being recognized by astrologers as a key force in Scorpio's life, will turn direct orbit on September 4.

→Remind me! Overacting it may seem, but I am really affected by those “scientists” that demoted Pluto to being just a “dwarf”. Like what my VBF mentioned in his blog… is it like a beauty pageant when the winner is being stripped off her title! I wish Hades would appear by their foot and burn them to ashes by doing that… bwahahaha!!! How evil of me ;)

When Jupiter moves into Sagittarius in December, you will see a virtual cornucopia of cash open up for you, a trend that will only continue and grow from there into 2007.

→Honestly, I’d rather have this over the love thing, really. I definitely would LOVE this one to happen!

And lastly…

Finally, at month's end you may become involved in a charity event, and if you do, you would surprise yourself with the outstanding results you produce. Nothing an eclipse does is offhand or unusual. If you want to make a difference to others, this would be your chance. Take it and run with it!

→Making a mark is something for me. This made me stop for a moment and think. How can this me? After reading this part, two companies/organizations came about to me: UNICEF and CTW (Children’s Television Workshop).

I rant, complain and sound sarcastic, but I still kept on coming back to the site. I still read it, analyze it and wonder… can all these (or even just a few) really happen?

I wish…
I hope…
I dream…

…that this September would really be of MY month.

;D

Recoil?

Self-pity suddenly crawls and attacks you from the back…



Sigh

When you feel so fucking tired…
When you just wanted to pack-up and leave…
When you wanted to run into your room, slam the door behind you and be alone…
But you can’t… you just SIMPLY can’t!

At one point, you would just burst into sudden tears... but you have to pull it back.

Pull even those fucking tears back...

Now, tell me… what would you do?

Back to Regular Programming

Before the day make its mark, I have to greet myself…

Happy Anniversary to me!

I am officially a year in my current job as a “brand and design consultant”… and still holding on to it.

Let’s make a wish… *blows*





Yey!

ONE YEAR…

That’s it!

I lost my thoughts… geesh…




No one remembered…

Oh! There’s one… ME!

I am lost of words now… unimaginable!

Sleep… my peace.

Compromise

I always wanted to dwell on this such “meaningful” word –– compromise. Let’s start from what Mr. Encarta is saying:

com•pro•mise n

1. a settlement of a dispute in which two or more sides agree to accept less than they originally wanted ← considered to be better-than-nothing-at-all

2. something that somebody accepts because what was wanted is unattainable ← hard to accept but TRUE

3. exposure to danger or disgrace ← TSK! TSK! TSK!

Need I say more?

I say it’s like selling your soul to the devil –– well, almost. The judgment now is how well you “redeem” yourself when you’ve made your deal. Hmmm… interesting.

The term “better-than-nothing” is quite degrading in some way or another. I, myself have been in the disposition of “compromising” for certain reasons:

1. giving in to get the “order” you wanted… with somehow a gratification behind our heads that we are “in control” but actually it was beyond our duties or line of work. More of spreading your conquered territory by means of “goodwill”… almost giving a service for free para mabango ang pangalan


2. just to finish or end it, may it be a conversation, debate or a project… ”Sundin na lang para matapos na!” (trans. Do what they wanted so it’ll be done and over with!) On our line of work, at times, we have to do the compromising specially if the other party is quite hard-headed and narrow-minded. Thank God, for people (and clients!) that are unbiased and objective thinkers. You all God’s gifts to us!

*clasp-hands, saying* Thank you, thank you so much!


3. you get something out of it, if not immediate at least in the days to come. This may sound uncertain but think of it like when you place money in the bank to save, you expect an interest from it. This is almost like no. 1 but you expect a gain than a loss.

But for how long shall you hold the thought of compromising? The giving in to others will and against your principle?

1. as long as it will save my job and our company
2. until I can hold my sanity and my conscience won’t bother me
3. as far as money will talk

And that, folks, is why conceivably I saw these words inside that word compromise:
• Promise… of completion and fullfillment
• More… projects to come
• Core… of it all is earning
• Sore… is temporary when goal is attained
• Mime… acts it out, no talks no debates just works on it
• Some… accomplishments, some punishments
• Come… more projects
• Rope… to use when you can’t take it anymore (kidding!)
• Spine… backbone to all of this… to gain, to win, to obtain, to earn

…. just to name a few.

And I thought I'm a Grouch...

Perhaps because I LOOOOVEEE to eat (specially sweets!) that's why I am...

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

And the starting word... misunderstood... P-E-R-F-E-C-T!

Being Gay

Let us start from the word itself… GAY, according to Encarta World English Dictionary (and the no.1 definition) is an adjective that pertains to homosexual in sexual orientation. For all we know, it is only in this later decade that this definition became numero uno for the word’s definition. Being gay pertains to merriment, light-heartedness, having a carefree spirit or simply being happy.

But can a gay person be really happy?

I proudly claim that I am a fag hag. I encountered that term a couple of years ago when I met Mike. I know him before I had my menstruation. He was still straight (I think) way back then when he used to sleepover in our place in Bulacan. He’s one of my brother’s college friends. He came out when he decided to reside and work in the US. He openly told me that he’s gay. I told him, I already know (my brother told me) and I have no problem with that. Like my brother, I am surrounded by gay male friends and I am exposed to gay females during my high school days (those “on” relationships–female to female). Then he told me, I knew you’ll be a fag hag ever since you’re a little girl! Fag hag… I never forgot that term from that day on.

Mike is not the only gay person I knew who admitted his sexuality personally to me. Since I am not prejudice and respected them, one even joked that I have this invisible signage over me saying I am a fag hag, come to me and I’ll be your friend! Let’s just say I grew up with parlor gays around me. My mom raised me and my siblings as a beautician. Yup! She used to own a beauty parlor within our house yard. She’s even a secretary of the first Bulacan organization/foundation formed by Ricky Reyes (ATTACH LINK) way back in the 80’s. Perhaps, that’s the reason why I have a heart for persons like them.

Tao rin silang mga bakla… duon sila masaya, minsan nagpapapakagaga kapag ginagastusan ang mga lalake nila pero marangal silang nagtatrabaho para mabuhay (trans. Gay people are humans too… they are happy at their sexuality though they might be considered stupid when they waste their money to their so-called boyfriends but they work their ass off to live) ––These are the very words my mom told me describing these “parlor” gay way back then.

I may not have a parlor gay friend now, but my gay friends belong in different work community. Compared before, the community is SUPPOSEDLY MUCH OPEN to gay people. I highly respect these gay people specially those in our creative industry –– media, advertising, marketing and the like. They’re quick thinkers and are very creative… and VOCAL. Their laughter might me loud and earth-shattering but they do cry (literally and figuratively speaking) when they get hurt.

Just yesterday, I am drinking with my VBF (Virtual Boy Friend)… he received an SMS from another gay friend that this Isagani Cruz wrote an article bashing homosexuals. I haven’t read the article yet but I am planning to once I get my hands on a copy of that article published in Inquirer, the suppose to be a no.1 broad sheet in the country that is fearless of our government…

I will reserve my comment on the article up until I read it myself. But knowing my VBF, he won’t make it such a big deal if this OLD writer didn’t write offensively.

Again, homosexuality may be a choice to some people. Some claim it’s genetics, some said it’s exposure and peers. To me, I don’t fucking care where it came from, whether it’s a virus spreading or an epidemic. These homosexuals are living their lives the way they believe how it should be lived! They are not hoodlums nor thieves. They are not leeches sucking someone’s blood. Excuse me… the politicians we know are the blood suckers to be considered––sucking the project funds that supposedly for their community!

Working homosexuals that are registered are dutiful and PAY THEIR TAXES!!!

My heart breaks when such people… politicians and writers condemn homosexuals. Good thing I don’t own a gun or I’m a secret assassin.

I’m just wondering… with all the writings, comic strips, and debates in regards to homosexuality… what solutions are they proposing to the society? I do hope their not imposing these gay men to marry women to hide their TRUE sexuality?!!! Fuck those politicians or professors with such ideology.

There are other problems in the community to be busy with… water drainage, road works, tax evasion, environmental problems, etc. I wonder how those closet GAY politicians are doing when their butts are being grilled… bwahahaha!

To all my gay friends, gay readers of my blog, fag hags and the like… live your life the way you believe it should be lived! The hell with them. For all we know they might be envious of your happier life than what they are having… specially if they are closet ;)

And to those attacking homosexuals, before you point your finger at gay people check how many more fingers are pointed back at you?! Check if you are really that clean before you scream how dirty others are.

Just my two cents…

How far shall you sell your soul? (Part 1)

Chained has different connotations...






It may be forced or voluntary.

Forced in the sense that they have no other choice. But on the voluntary part, you can say you "sold" your self because you believe on that something that you are to give almost everything for that person or belief.

That tiny spark of light that never died down despite the storms you go through.

Professionally, I could say perhaps I gave all of myself. I am open to other possibilities of skills and new learning. I am not the greatest among the designers nor among the brand consultants. But I am one hell of a dedicated person one can ever meet. Lots that I know now was never ever taught in college. I am grateful of where I am and what I am now.

Bad things arrive, tests happen.

What can't kill you, makes you stronger.

That's what they say...

Should that be taken literally? But hearing the news awhile ago that "another" group was accredited by our client. That concluded my day –– ruined!

My partner comment one of my blogs here that I should not get affected or be emotion with our jobs. I am trying will ALL the requirements. Swallow it whole? I don't know.

I received warnings of this "event". Relayed to our team. Thought it was timely, but it was too late... I think.

I lost my energy, really. I am now in between pushing it further or be a slacker tonight. I lost the energy. I've turned down the ignition to drive. And I hope this is temporary.

Like what I said to my boss-colleague before all this silence started...

Let the war begin!

Life Is What WE Make It

I made a choice –– that one is clear enough.

I was quiet for a couple of months. Busy with work, work and a few personal tasks which is still work. The computer I use is just a couple of feet away from my bed (literally)! Work is perhaps my life now. I always use it as an excuse of why I can’t have any “other” life besides it.

I lack time. I’ve got to have time… but I don’t MAKE time for anything else.

I miss blogging. I could have used this to rant and to rave… but if I may have some spare time, I’d rather use it to sleep or drink.

I am not that alcoholic (to make things straights). For the record, I don’t drink in a bar or even alone. I find that too depressing. I may have depression modes but not to that extent. If I have my very own place, I will definitely be watching a movie over a light dinner or light beer or even wine –– with my lovable golden retriever I might be naming Sam beside me. Simple life… simple single life.

The “drinking plan” never occurred, only yesterday with my VBF (Virtual Boy Friend). I dragged his ass off his masteral class, made him cancel his scheduled meeting with his old college buddy (who was celebrating his birthday in advance). My VBF just loves me perhaps more than any man I’d ever had or will ever had. But we can’t really be together romantically. I’m a fag hag… and he’s gay! (with a boyfriend)

I am happy that the drinking and eating spree happened last Saturday. Thank God we went to Eastwood. Timing perhaps was good if only I am not carrying my laundry and suppose to go home in my mom's province. Bamboo (one of my favorite Filipino alternative band) is playing for FREE that day. I’ll be missing the cute vocalist and their lead guitarist performing. But it’s ok, a couple of cold San Mig light and calamares is not that bad.

For months, I was able to get (and do) what I WANTED.

Now who says, money DOESN’T make the world go round? Hello?!? Reality check please…

I don’t have my own car… hence I don’t drive.
I have 2 bags with me (and one carrying Taynee, my 12” Albook).
I have a couple of drinks… so how did I manage to get home from Eastwood to my province (that is perhaps more than 1000 km, a 1-2hrs drive with traffic)?
I commuted… not taxi, not FX but BUS… PUBLIC bus.

I’ve been a commuter for half my lifetime. Been away from home most of my life. Trained at an early age to be away from my family and live with someone else’s or rent (solo or with a friend). Consider me an independent creature perhaps. But there are times I miss my deadlines in paying my debts like credit cards, phone bill and a little contribution to my parents daily expenses at home. For some miracle, I manage to survive every single f***ing day of my life. Barely saving money for the “raining days” so I pray that God would not permit a major event that I had to sell my soul to his fallen angel, Lucifer.

So what’s the point of all this I am saying? We might complain on things happening in each of our lives. We carrying our own burdens. We rant. We go into depressions and lose self-esteem. We might even just breakdown and burst into tears (that just happened to me a few days ago). All the “what if’s” are sudden running in our heads. STOP, my dear friends (and readers, if there are any)! Think of where you are now and what (or who) made you into who you are now? Who placed you to where you are now?

Answer: Y-O-U!

Pause for awhile. Place yourself away from what is making you feel frustrated, or made you questioned yourself… you made a choice before to place you where you are now. You believed on something that made you decide and made THAT choice. Review and recall… stick to it if you still believe or fate at it. If you don’t, even just a tiny spec of fate at it, why bother stay?

Look at yourself… you are able to read this via net, via computer… I’m quite sure you have a job and can afford. Dear, you are STILL lucky! I see people who really less fortunate than we are. They struggle more than we do. We are lucky… yes, we ARE!

Think for a moment… if you are unhappy, unsatisfied… perhaps you are doing something you don’t want to do. Forced or not, why are you doing that? Let’s not blame others to our misfortunes. There are factors affecting and making us to that but we decide for ourselves, right?

REMINDER: We make the choice(s) for ourselves… as individuals. And I admit, I myself KEEP on forgetting that! I made a choice. For how long can I keep it up if you ask? As long as I could.