Half and Half

No, it’s not that milk or creamer that you use to add that extra taste on you coffee or an ingredient when you bake…

I wish it was as simple as those “ingredients”… at least it has some purpose.

Purpose… lately I have been questioning myself (and others, indirectly) what I am in terms of purpose.

Am I just that unfortunate that things are not working out well in my favor? Let me enumerate just some of my (mis)fortunes…

1.) The battery of my Powerbook gave up on me. Yes! Without any warning it just won’t charge! At this very time that I have quite some trouble in my finances. What a timing!

2.) My VBF and dear friend is leaving for just a break. He deserves it, I know!!! But a month may not sound long but for me IT IS. And USA is a far, far AWAY land ☹

3.) I feel useless… I have not contributed any brilliant nor any useful idea to my team, our client… and I aim to be a “servant” to the world? Wha…?

4.) Mood swings is occurring quite often. Extremities of emotions… Is it a pre-birthday syndrome that I noticed happening yearly since my 18th birthday?

5.) The “Yin-Yang” moment: I am very happy at one moment then I’ll realize it will be taken back by a bad news or a scene stealer or just feel down and sad afterwards. Wow! So nice…

6.) Stuck in a moment no.1: Wanting to go out to take a breather… you are to explode or just to avoid another angry outburst but you simply can’t –– because you don’t have enough money to “free” yourself temporarily.

7.) Stuck in a moment no.2: Immediate or long have been planned date or just meeting a friend… then BAM! Cancel it… bad weather, no cab… or much worse, due to work.

8.) Upgraded my OS… then iTunes will tell you that you’re iPod mini is “corrupted”? WHATTHA…?!

Those are just a few… had even a time I started questioning the higher “authority” up there. Is He testing me because I am not a solid advocate and don’t strictly practice His teachings?

Doubts were undeniably eating me up…

Rules…
Gut feelings…
Personal satisfactions…
Selfless actions…

Despite the misfortunes I can’t deny that somehow I was happy some way or another. I was denying its source due to fear that it will be taken away like those other “happiness”. There was some grin stuck on my face the past weeks. I can’t deny this guy did add up some “reason” for me to get up and hoped that the day would end if not perfect at least good enough.

Unknown to him, he cleared out most of those dark clouds forming in my head. I guess we reminded each other, joked about it and talked on who has a worst life and laughed it out over a few booze and meals. Until it has to be cut off…

It was too good to be true…

So much for being little Miss Honesty… thank you, destiny for making me an ass of my own self!

Do I always have to do some paying back every time I am happy or satisfied? When will it not be taken away? When will it be WHOLE? When will it be just for me, alone?


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Image borrowed from Gettyimages.com